Waiting...

So I'm in that place that Dr. Seuss talked about in his book Oh The Places You'll Go...the waiting place! I always read that book to my kids on the last day of school and the waiting pages always stand out to me. Because it talks about how sometimes in life we can get caugh up in just waiting. Waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for our hair to grow, waiting for the weather to change, waiting for any number of things...to start my family.

That's the waiting place I'm in right now. Last Thursday Jay and I had our frozen embryo transfer. My parents came into town on Wednesday evening and we left for the office mid-morning on Thursday. The office was the most busy I've seen it since we started going there almost two years ago. We waited about 40 minutes until being called back. Then it was go time. We met with Dr. Patel who informed us that two of our three frozen embryos were looking good. The other one however did not look healthy to either transfer or refreeze and we needed to discard it. I was disappointed because I had an imagine of us being able to refreeze that embryo and save it for down the road if we needed/wanted to use it. However, I also knew it was a possibility that it wouldn't unfreeze successfully and that we might have to deal with what we did. But then I was ushered into the next room to get ready and really couldn't dwell on that anymore.

I changed and took the Valium pill, just to chill me out. Then my accupuncture doctor, Dr. Koagedel, came in and we did a 30 minute session before my procedure. This was something different we decided to try this time around. Dr. Koagedel was recommended by Dr. Patel and let me just say that he looks like a slightly older Ryan Gossling...very attractive! :) But I'm getting sidetracked. I fell asleep on and off before the procedure with Jay sitting next to me the whole time holding my hand. We were next to head in for the procedure and away we went. Unfortunately there was a minor complication with the patient before me so we were stalled for about 20 minutes or so. I stopped praying for myself and started praying for her, although I'm not even sure what she looked liked, her name or even what was going on. But I know the feelings she was having and to have complications after having a transfer...my heart went out to her. The praying helped to take my mind off of having to go to the bathroom. For the transfer they want your bladder to be full and boy was mine full! Too full, unlike last time. So they had to drain some of it...I'll spare you the details! Then we got things going and the next thing I knew they said I was done and were wheeling me back to the other room. I did another accupuncture round and slept for a little bit and then we were released.

It was a long day and we finally got home around 2pm that afternoon. I was tired from the Valium and headed straight for my bed for a two hour nap. My mom went into action. She added tons to our grocery list and went shopping. She made basically all my meals from Thursday until Sunday when they left. She tucked me into bed each night (before Jay came to tuck me in each night!) and was just there for me to make sure I didn't do a thing! And I didn't do a thing from Thursday at 2pm until Sunday afternoon when Jay and I folded clothes together while sitting on the bed. :) Now I've hit the waiting place...

We have a blood test coming up next week and until those results I'm not sure of anything. I thought I would remember exactly how I felt from the last time of doing this last fall, but I don't. I don't remember anything it seems. There are moments when I feel sure that I am and in an instant I'm sure that I'm not. I feel like I'm playing mind games with myself and almost driving myself crazy. One of the most difficult things is not being able to be active. This summer had been most different by far because I was getting up and working out every morning and it was a great way to start the day. However, Dr. Patel told me no activity until we get some results. I'm not interested in having a hardcore weight lifting session, but I would love to get up and go walking to at least clear my head. I can tell that I need it because I had a bit of a break down last night. I was being really short with Jay and when he finally called me out on it and asked what was going on, I lost it. I'm so scared and worried and terrified to let myself feel hope and happiness right now. I know it is silly but I'm so sure that if we don't get the result we want I'm letting down everyone in my life. Jay and I were so blessed with all the phone calls, e-mails and texts we've been getting these past few days and I feel like everyone is counting on me to deliver this. I know that everyone is just cheering for us and will not blame me, but I still feel that weight on my shoulders. Jay did his best to talk to me and help me to realize that all of our family and friends are simply here for us for support and love. I felt better after crying (I think I needed a little release!) and talking it out with Jay. Boy is he amazing to put up with me and all my craziness. I know that I'm more sensitive right now because I'm taking hormone pills and shots every day. But even with all that I'm just a bundle of nerves right now and Jay is that rock that helps to right me. I am one blessed lady to call him my husband!

So now we wait...