No Words

I've been putting off writing this post for a long time. I haven't really wanted to write anything because I'm not sure exactly what to say.

The transfer did not take this time and we are at the end of our IVF road so to speak. We've already invested some major money into these past two procedures and it really stinks that we did not get the result we wanted. I really believed that with my weight loss and my great state of mind that things would be different this time. I believed that because I was incorporating acupuncture this time around that we would get the result we have been wanting and waiting for these past five years. I really just thought that things would turn out differently. I was wrong. And to add insult to injury it hurts to realize that we also don't have any more frozen embryos to use for a next time. I'm having a really difficult time wrapping my head around that fact right now. That was my Plan B and now I'm lost without it.

We had our first blood test on July 3rd. I thought it was going to be later in the week but with a frozen transfer it's not the full two week wait. So Jay and I told no one and we went ourselves. We got a call later that day and the number was only 4.78. I was confused as to how that even was a positive since the last time my number had been 33 and was considered low. The difference is that when they do a frozen embryo transfer there is no other form of HCG in my body unlike a fresh transfer that we did in the fall. So even if there is a little number like 4.78, it counts as positive. Although the nurse said they were 99% sure it was just another biochemical pregnancy like last time. But that being said they still needed to draw my blood in another 48 hours to make sure. We kept quiet and didn't tell a soul.

The 4th of July was very subdued and Jay was so great to me. I knew deep down in my heart that this attempt had failed, but was still holding on to a tiny shred of hope. I made the mistake of looking on the Internet and reading many stories of how women had started out with numbers like 4 and now had healthy 3 years olds running around their houses. It gave me a false sense of hope that I clung too...I feel so silly to admit that I let myself do that. Then we went back on Thursday and I knew the moment the call came later that day. My HCG number had fallen to 2 and they were now sure that the procedure did not take and to expect my cycle to start within the next week. I made a follow-up appointment for us to see Dr. Patel and hung up the phone.

The rest of the day was spent in tears as I called/texted family and friends that were waiting with great anticipation to hear from me. I felt like I had let so many people down and wasted so much time on this crazy journey of trying to become a mom. Even now I'm crying as I type this because I just feel so much blame. I run my mind over and over everything and try to find where I did things wrong. Maybe if I had lost more weight sooner things would be different. Maybe I should have just stayed in bed every day until the blood test was done. Maybe I should not have told so many people and just kept it quiet for me and Jay. I don't know what else I could have done to change the outcome and it really stinks. Everyone has been so supportive and that just makes me feel worse that I'm making everyone sad and that I can't make Jay a husband or our parents grandparents or my brother an uncle. I just have no words at this point except that I'm sorry I couldn't make this work.

I know in time I'll move on, but right now it's hard to really do that. I tell myself each night that I'm going to wake up and start anew the next day and then I can't. I'm not sleeping all that well and I'm really tired come morning, which doesn't help to get me up and moving. I need to find that motivation again and it's really tough right now. I just have to keep telling myself that this too shall pass and I'll go on with my life with Jay and work through things. But at times that's easier said than done.