Trying To Have Some Closure

So I thought last Thursday July 12th, was my last visit with Dr. Patel. Boy was I wrong! Jay and I had a follow-up visit with him and they took my blood to make sure my HCG level was back down at 0. My first HCG level was 4 and then 48 hours later it was 2 so over a week later it should be at 0 but they still had to check. Dr. Patel met with us and said that I was still an excellent candidate for IVF down the road if we were still interested. He said that for whatever reason the embryos did not implant but there really wasn't anything else we could have done. I had lost weight (and still plan on losing more) and these embryos were still really good looking when they flushed them into my uterus. But it just wasn't our time. I cried a little bit as we were walking to the car and I said to Jay that it was just the end of this chapter in our life and it was a little sad. He reminded me that we could certainly do IVF again (we would need to wait and save up the money since we're paying off both procedures right now) and that we also had a new chapter in our lives to start and that it was a good thing. We talked about the possibility of IVF down the road and I said that I would really need to think about it. It takes a physical toll of course, but the mental and emotional stuff was what I needed to see if I could go through that again. Jay said that he supported me no matter what I wanted to do...did I mention that I married one heck of a man!?!?! So that was that and it was time to move on with things.

I completely forgot that Dr. Patel's office would call with my blood results later that afternoon. I was even more surprised when the nurse told me that all of a sudden my HCG level was 14! What the heck did that mean?? She thought it could be just a fluke or a mistake with the lab but that she needed me back in 48 hours to check the level again. So I went in on Saturday July 14th and was shocked when she called to say that my HCG level was now at 24...it had almost doubled. Something was definitely happening and they really couldn't explain it. Especially because I had had a period the week before when my level was at a 2 and I wasn't having any cramping or pains. So started the 48 hour game! I went back on Monday for blood work and my level went up to 42 and then again on Wednesday and it was at 83. These were perfect numbers for someone who was 3 weeks pregnant, but I was supposed to be 6 weeks pregnant and that's why there was concern. Jay and I were looking all over the web and reading stories about women who didn't follow the regular number HCG level trends and I began to think that maybe I was about to be one of those women. I let some hope creep back into my heart.

On Wednesday Dr. Patel sent me in for a viable pregnancy ultrasound/scan at an imaging office. They called me Thursday morning to say that they couldn't see anything (and they didn't think they would with such low numbers so early on) but also that there was no sign of an ectopic pregnancy so that was also good news. I was scheduled to head back in Friday morning for more blood work and we would see where things were then. I headed into school to start working on my classroom for the upcoming school year. However, I started to feel kinda sick and my stomach was hurting a little bit. I ended up only staying for 2 hours or so at school and decided to go home. I ate some lunch and fell asleep and when I woke up and went to the restroom I was bleeding...having a miscarriage. So I called the office right away and they told me to monitor the bleeding and cramping and to still come in Friday morning. I called Jay crying and he came home early from work that day. We just laid and held each other in bed the rest of the afternoon/evening. My cramping and bleeding settled down but I started to have some intense stomach pains. I felt very bloated and my stomach would just tighten up, much like my back muscles felt when my back would go out. I was able to sleep some, but felt really uncomfortable.

They took my blood Friday morning and when I told them about the stomach cramps they asked me to wait and see Dr. Patel. He pushed on my tender stomach and decided to do a quick ultrasound in case he could see something. He was checking for excessive fluid build up in my stomach, something that can be caused by an ectopic pregnancy. But there was nothing there. He then asked how far away I was from a hospital and that he didn't want me to eat or drink anything because depending on my HCG level he might send me to the ER. So I started to get a little scared and went home. My mother-in-law stayed with me until we got the results. Each time a nurse has called with the results, but Friday Dr. Patel called me himself...he had my attention. My HCG level had only risen to 84 but he was concerned about the stomach pains. My stomach was tender but I hadn't had a tightening since the night before. He said that one option was to have surgery where they put a camera in my stomach to see what was going on. But he said it wasn't absolutely necessary since my HCG level had leveled off and my pain was doing better. But he made me promise that if my pain worsened I was to go straight to the ER. I promised him. He told me to stay on a liquid only diet until they did another blood test on Saturday (today) and to make sure that I wasn't alone. I was a little terrified at this point.

I spent the rest of the day at my mother-in-law's house trying not to freak out. Then my amazing friend Adrienne came over with her son for the evening. Her husband Troy and Jay went to the DBacks baseball game (which I was super bummed to miss!!!). She brought me soup and a smoothie and we just hung out with her son Grant and our new black lab Brutus. Troy even drove Jay all the way home after the game and then they had to move Grant from his pack n'play to the car seat. Adrienne could have gone home but she didn't want me to be alone...I tell you I feel so blessed to have amazing friends in my life!!!

I woke up this morning and felt the best I have since Wednesday. My stomach was feeling much better and my cramping was still not bad at all. We drove all the way over to Scottsdale (like I have for every appointment and we live in Peoria!) for the blood drawl. They said to stay on a liquid diet until they called with results. We really love going to Over Easy right up from Dr. Patel's office when we have had to go on the weekends and we were looking forward to that again. But Jay felt bad since I couldn't eat anything. I told him I was fine with coffee and I wanted him to still get to enjoy a good breakfast! I finally heard from the nurse around 12:30 and my HCG level had gone down to 80...a good sign that whatever growth that was occurring had stopped. My body was handling this abnormal pregnancy on it's own...which is what we wanted to have happen if it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I'm back in for more blood work tomorrow just to continue to monitor that the level stays the same or continues to go down. And we'll go from there.

So what positives can I take away from this?
1. My HCG level was the highest it's ever been...84...in the fall last year it only got up to 36. And this happened without any extra medication. I stopped all my meds the day the HCG level was at a 2!
2. One of those little embryos implanted somewhere. Because my HCG level never got high enough the embryo was still too small to see through ultrasound. So they really don't know if this was an abnormal uterus pregnancy or an ectopic pregnancy. But it was more than a biochemical pregnancy which was their first thought and what also happened to us last fall.
3. My body is taking care of itself. If the HCG level continues to fall then I won't need meds to help induce a miscarriage or even worse surgery to remove it. My body hasn't really done anything normal when it comes to being pregnant so that's something positive I can take away from this.

Of course we still didn't end up pregnant and that stinks. However, I'm happy that I'm not in danger and that I'm not worried about a potentially risky and dangerous pregnancy either. That's not how I want things to happen for us. Poor Jay has been super worried about me, as has my mother all the way down in Sierra Vista. I hate to make people worry so I'm glad that is over. Hopefully now we can fully close this chapter (after the next blood test or however many else there might be!) and start to move on. I can't wait to start getting back into working out and clearing my head out!! School is also just around the corner (2 weeks away!) and I'm ready to throw myself back into work and get ready for this new year. We didn't get the result we wanted but we got farther along than we ever have before. If I continue to lose weight there is always that chance that my body will start to correct itself and maybe we'll get pregnant on our own. We are also going to start looking into adoption this fall and see where that road leads us. I know we will be parents someway and although I might have dark days, they will pass and I will move forward with my life. I thank whoever reads this blog and has sent us prayers and/or thoughts during this whole crazy roller coaster of ups and downs. Jay and I have felt so loved and supported by everyone and we know we are not alone!