I Was A Mom

So yesterday I had to do the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life.

The day started off normal with us getting up and letting the dog out. Our black lab, Azure, bounded in from the back yard as usual and went to eat his food. Jay and I went about doing our regular Tuesday morning routine and waited for the Truly Nolan guy to come for his appointment. Then Azure got sick. Not unusual with him when he eats his food too fast. No big deal, we cleaned it up and told him he was OK and tried to see if he wanted to finish up his food. Jay noticed that he seemed to have changed since getting sick. All of a sudden he was kind of cowering and his eyes looked droopy. We tried to let him back outside or to get him to eat more food but there was nothing. So Jay called the vet. While on hold Azure got sick a second time...which we usually don't see happen with him. The vet's office had an opening so Jay went to work and I went to the vet with Azure. We walked in and Azure's legs started shaking for two reasons...number one the whole office was tile and he hates walking on tile (strange I know!) and number two he doesn't like going to the vet. Anywho, the vet saw him and said that his temp was a little high (104 degrees) and that his symptoms matched those of last year when he got valley fever in his stomach. They took some blood, gave him a shot to calm his stomach, gave me some meds to give him and sent us home. We got home and he literally got out of the car, walked straight to the living room floor and just laid down. I put his pill in some bread and he wouldn't even sniff it when I brought it over. So I tried cheese and got the same reaction...nothing. Plus he started these deep and heavy pants over and over again. I called the vet and they said to try and put a fan on him, maybe he was just really hot. So I did that and nothing changed. I started looking at his gums because last year they noticed a growth on his spleen and said that when it burst his gums and eyes would get white...which is what I saw when I looked in his mouth. So I called the vet back and they said to bring him back for an x-ray. This time Azure wouldn't even lift his head to look at me. He wouldn't respond to my voice and I knew that I wasn't going to get him to walk. So I picked up my 56 pound dog and carried him to the car and then into the office. They took him back for the x-ray and the vet came and found me. She said that his heart rate and blood pressure dropped significantly when he was on the table, so they had to hook him up to an IV to give him fluids and also oxygen. She showed me that the x-rays were normal and that all seemed fine with his blood work, that maybe there was an infection, but nothing that should cause him to be like he was. She suggested he be transferred to an overnight emergency facility and have an ultrasound the next day. I excused myself and called Jay. I barely choked out the words through my tears of what the vet had just explained to me. I have known Azure for six years, but this was Jay's dog and I couldn't make any type of decision. He said he was leaving work and arrived ten minutes later. With his father's background as a vet Jay knew all the right questions to ask and had such a calmness about him, while I was a wreck in tears standing behind him. He knew his father would never have put an animal through all that testing if there was not any guarantee that things would be better. We couldn't afford the care and although his mother offered to pay, we couldn't and wouldn't ask her to pay that much. So Jay made the decision that I couldn't. They moved him to another room and we had some time with him. He looked so weak and his eyes looked to us to take away whatever was causing his pain. The vet then came in and we all three were petting his head and whispering sweet words of good-bye as he drifted off to sleep. It was at that moment that I realized I had been a mother all along. Azure was my baby and I loved him as deeply as I could love another human being. It was a really sweet, although sad, moment.

We finished up with the vet, who really was great through everything, and I fell into Jay's arms as we walked outside into the bright afternoon sunlight. He cried a little bit too and we just let the moment pass until I had gotten out all the tears I could at that time. We started calling family to share the new and Jay called the friends that had given him Azure, as a gift when he moved here to Arizona in 1998. Then we started talking about the life Azure had. He was 12 years old and he had lived through parvo as a puppy and valley fever just last year. Not too many dogs make it that far having gone through a disease. He was loved dearly by us, Jay's mom Linda and my parents, Mike & Marie, too. We were comforted that he was with his other grandpa, Jay's dad Jim, and getting to play catch and walk around a space that was tile free so he would be comfortable.

It was super hard walking into the house last night and I kept expecting to see him show his face as I sat on the couch. Neither one of us has been able to move his things yet. I know that I'll need to put away his things at some point, but I can't bring myself to do it now. The funny thing is that we just bought a big bag of dog food for him this past weekend as his storage container was getting low. One of Jay's coworkers suggested that we donate the food to a local animal shelter, an idea which I loved! :) I didn't think it would upset me, but just leaving the house without saying good-bye to him and hearing his toes on the tile as I got home, was a very lonely and strange feeling. I know that next week when I'm back at school things will be better because I'll be very busy. But I'm nervous for Tuesday and Thursday nights when Jay works late and I don't have Azure to nuzzle and play with like I have for the past few years. I'm sure it sounds silly to go on this way about a dog, but to me he really was a member of this family and I miss him dearly. He was my son and I feel that God was reminding me that He did make me a mother.

Just a quick update about the fertility stuff before I end. I was very lucky to get in with an Endocrinologist at the Mayo Clinic two weeks ago. He did a full workup of my blood and called last Friday with some good news. My thyroid and prolactin levels were both back to normal and just fine. He is sending me the report and a letter that I can pass along to my fertility doctor so that we can get back on track. I will still need to get my blood tested next week as that will have been 30 days to let the MMR vaccination get into my bloodstream. If that test comes back fine, then we are set to move forward and sometime towards the end of August, beginning of September we should be moving forward with the treatment. If not, then I will have to get the second MMR dosage shot and wait another 30 days. Let's hope it's the former and not the latter. Anywho, I'm going to sit down with my administrators next week and explain everything to them. I've also felt at peace with the decision in my mind and heart. I know that I'm a good teacher and I truly love the kiddos in my class. I will do my best to see that their needs are being met while I need to take this time and I know they will do great. However, I can not allow myself to feel bad for wanting this for myself and Jay. We have been waiting for four years and this is our time, our plan and my job (however much I love it) can not stand in the way of our dreams. So now that my heart and mind are feeling together on this, I'm feeling much better and ready to start the school year.

If you're still reading up to this point...WOW! I just rambled on forever in this post! Thanks as always for the prayers, thoughts and love. We truly feel them all and know that we are blessed with a wonderful support system. We'll continue to update and let you all know what the future will hold for us.