Broken

That's how I feel right now. I feel broken, in need of repair, busted, damaged, falling apart. Physically, mentally and definitely emotionally It seems like my whole life has been put on hold since I got the phone call last Tuesday. Hard to believe that one little phone call could send me into a tail spin and feel like all the progress we have been making was for nothing. I'm getting a little ahead of myself...let me start at the beginning.

I know I said I didn't want to share my road map, but not it doesn't really seem to matter. In March when Jay and I met with Dr. Patel we decided we were going to try a back to back cycle of clomid and if nothing happened we would go through the IVF (invitro fertilization) process this summer. We met with the office staff and planned everything out and we were all set for the week of July 18th to go through it all. So back to March and April. We tried the back to back clomid and for the first time in four years I had two eggs that had grown to a mature size. It was really encouraging to finally see my body respond to the meds and do something different. During our Disney World vacation I was set to ovulate...again something that my body hasn't really ever done with a mature egg...and Jay and I tried the natural way. There was a hope when I didn't start my cycle at the end of the month and the doctor was happy to tell me that I had ovulated and now it was a waiting game. Well two weeks later we got the answer and there was no baby. But I did start my cycle on my own and I haven't had that happen since I was in high school. So we were really encouraged that my body was doing some new things on it's own and responding to the meds.

But with no pregnancy we launched into IVF mode and started to get all our ducks in a row. I had an appointment at the beginning of June and it felt exciting. I set up all my needed appointments through the week of July 18th and started the process of pricing/ordering meds and also getting us financed for the project. It was all too surreal and I had to stop and catch my breath a couple of times. Was this finally going to happen for us? Was our dream of becoming parents going to become reality, or as close as we could try, in just a few short weeks? I ordered the meds (not cheap by the way!), got us all set up for financing and started my pre-op appointments where they checked my uterus and tubes and all that good stuff. Jay and I both had orders to get blood work done and that's where the story changes.

Last Tuesday the specialist office called and said that there were some issues with my blood work. What could that mean? Surely there was just a mix-up and all I would need to do would be to go back and get the blood work done again, right? Well no. The first issue was that my blood didn't test well against the Rubella virus and I would need to see my primary doctor to get the vaccination. Of course, this shot needs 30 days to fully get into the bloodstream and therefore our date of the week of July 18th was no longer an option. The second issue was that my thyroid tested at a high level. The cut off was 4.5 and mine measured 5.1. Nothing real serious but again another issue to take up with my primary doctor. The third and final issue was that my prolactin level was high. Prolactin is a hormone that both men and women have but for women it is produced more during times of breast feeding. The specialist thought that my level was high because they had put me on birth control to regulate me for the month of June to get me prepared for IVF. So they told me to stop the birth control and I will be getting my blood tested next week to see if it has dropped back down to a normal level.

So with one phone call my whole rest of the summer turned into a very long couple of weeks of nothingness instead of the exciting plans we had made in March. I took the news pretty hard and Jay just held me while I cried. We had the following conversation:

Jay "What part of any of this has been easy for us?"

Jennifer...through my tears "Well none of it has been easy."

Jay "So why should it start being easy now? We'll get through this. Remember that it's not being cancelled, just postponed. And worse case is that when we do go through with the procedure and IF nothing happens, then we have our plan B of looking into adoption. You know when we were in Florida on vacation I had a thought. I thought 'Man, we have a pretty good life. We would be so blessed to be able to give the gift of our lives to a child who doesn't necessarily have that opportunity.' So don't worry because we are going to be parents somehow, someway."

I have such an amazing husband! I love him with all my heart more and more each day. He wants to be a father so bad and I worry all the time that he might be thinking he's wasted his time with someone who can't give him that. But he's always so quick to point out that those are the silly voices in my head and that not for one second could he ever feel that way. God truly blessed me when he put Jay in my life!

So any way...back to the story. I was able to get my first dosage shot of the Rubella vaccination. I'll get my blood tested in 4 weeks and if I need to I will get the second dosage. If my blood work is fine then we will be all set to continue with our process. I had additional blood work done and have an appointment with my primary doctor to talk about my elevated thyroid level next week. And hopefully being off the birth control for a few weeks, my prolactin level will be normal next week when that is tested. Oh...on a side night I also went to an ENT doctor because of the eye, ear and sinus infection I had this spring and found out that I have a deviated septum. They started me on some antibiotics and I have a CT scan set for next week to see if I'm in need of surgery or not. So like I said at the beginning I feel broken...literally!

I know I'm in that feeling sorry for myself mode right now and I feel like I'm allowed to feel that way. I have to get over it eventually but sometimes that guilt just comes rushing in and it's hard to drown out those thoughts. I feel guilty because I'm the one with PCOS. I feel guilty that we have to spend this money, either with IVF or adoption, in order to be parents. I feel guilty that I'm wasting my husbands time when he wants to be a father just as much as I want to be a mother. I feel guilty that it's the issues with my blood work that is now postponing everything and I'll be dealing with this during the school year instead of my summer break. I'm more than a little scared to go talk with my administrators and tell them that I'll need to take a week off when it comes time for the procedure. I have faith that they will be understanding but I'm just nervous to have to tell them. I'll probably also have to take some half days for all the little appointments leading up to the procedure. I'm not one to miss work. It took me having a 104 degree temperature for me to take a day this past spring. But it's especially difficult at the beginning of the school year when my kiddos are just starting out. I have parents to answer to and this year three teacher's kids. I've finally started to make a name for myself with the parents in my community and this year I'm going to have to miss some time. I will take the time because I want this so bad, but I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the guilt that comes with it. I start to question myself and wonder, "Maybe I'm not supposed to be a mom. Maybe I'm just supposed to be "Aunt Jenn" to all my friend's kids and be a teacher." My head says that but my heart won't utter those words.

So that is what is going on with us. I'm lucky to have great family and friends in my life to draw upon for strength, comfort and support. I know that this too shall pass and we will continue with this whole operation. It's just difficult to swallow that pill of disappointment right now. I'll update next week when there is more news to report...hopefully some positive news.