The wait is over and we didn't get the result we were looking for with regards to our IVF treatment. It's been a crazy few weeks and both Jay and I have been on the emotional roller coaster every day it seems.
I think my last post I had stated that we were in the wait and see mode. Well I went on Fall Break...had my lovely car accident and then had an appointment on Thursday to do the first blood test. I called the office when I got home, right before Jay went into work and the result was positive. They were testing my HCG hormone level and it was 33.5. They would have preferred it be in the 50's but were OK with my number. They told me that I would be back in 48 hours to have the test done again and that in order for it to be successful the number needed to be in the 50-70 range. Jay and I were overjoyed and smiled with happy tears after I got off the phone. This was the moment we had been waiting forever to celebrate. I called my parents right away and Jay called his mother on the way to work. We told a few close friends as well, but kept pretty quiet. I was trying to remind myself that this was the beginning of an unknown journey and that anything was possible and really I needed to wait for celebration until the second blood test in 48 hours.
Jay and I both went Saturday morning and were talking about what this whole new experience might look like for us as we ate some breakfast after getting my blood drawn. As we were driving home the nurse called and said that my HCG level had only risen 3 points to 36 and that wasn't good. They wanted to see me Monday for another blood work draw to check the level again. When the HCG level just rises a little bit and continues to hover, it can be a sign of an ectopic pregnancy and from what I understand, those are very serious and dangerous. Nothing that I want to deal with after going through everything else. I was pretty upset Saturday and I think I knew deep in my heart that things were finished with this try. My parents were incredibly supportive and Jay just held me as I cried. I ended up heading out with a friend to go paint pottery and it helped to take my mind off things for a little bit. The rest of the evening I was subdued and just quiet.
Jay and I held on to hope and prayed together several times the rest of the weekend and just waited for Monday. I headed back into the office and had them take my blood one more time. It felt good to get back to school and see my kiddos. I was back in the routine and focused on getting them back on track after having a week long break. This week is also crazy because it's Parent/Teacher conferences, so I have meetings set before and after school all week long. Anywho, the day passed and I saw that I had a missed call from the doctor's office but couldn't call until after school.
They told me my HCG level had gone down to 19 and that it was over. They said I had a biochemical pregnancy and that based on the level neither embryo had implanted. They told me to stop taking my progesterone in oil shots and that I would have a follow-up appointment next week. They will take my blood one last time to see that it has gone all the way down to 0 or very close and we will also review things with Dr. Patel and look at our options. We do have those 3 frozen embryos and that is comforting to know. We just need to talk about how long we wait to do another transfer and see what other recommendations Dr. Patel has for us.
Since finding out Monday I seem to have a different emotion on the subject every few hours. Sometimes I think about it and I'm very sad and upset. Then the next time it comes to mind I'm angry and frustrated to the point of closing my eyes and counting to 10 to cool off. Then I turn around and I feel peaceful and calm about the whole thing. My heart can't decide what I'm supposed to feel right now. So I'm just feeling it all. I feel guilty about us spending this money and feeling like maybe we wasted it. I feel pressure to not only make myself a mother, but Jay a dad, my parents and Linda grandparents, my brother an uncle and our friends "aunts" and "uncles." I feel like I'm watching all of my other friends continue on the path of life and start their families and worry about starting to have nothing in common with them, if Jay and I don't have kids soon. I know I sound silly but these are the thoughts and feelings that start hitting me and I don't have an answer to make me feel better to any of them. I know I'm not the only woman feeling this way, but I do feel really lonely at times. And I don't want to burden Jay or my friends with these silly thoughts, so I usually don't express them. I've said some things to Jay at times but I don't want him to worry, so I keep them locked up and just wonder about the answers to myself. School has been somewhat of a distraction for me and my kiddos keep me busy with their first grade "issues"throughout most of the day. It mainly is those down moments when I'm by myself at school or driving home or when I get home and the house is quiet. Those are the times when those questions fill up my head and I get all worked up from the pressure, that I know I put on myself, but still the pressure that I feel.
Jay and I have talked a little bit about our next steps. I think we are going to just stop everything and finish up 2011. We know that we have those 3 frozen embryos to use at some point. But I think we might start looking into adoption and getting things going in that area. I have a few contacts that I need to reach out to and just see what we need to start doing to jump into this whole new world. There are so many factors that I know Jay and I haven't even begun to think about. We hope that we will have "our" own child at some point, whether that be naturally or with one of those waiting embryos. But we also know that we have a great life and have the opportunity to share that with a child who might not other wise get such an opportunity. Our ultimate goal is to be parents and we know that we will be one way or the other.
Once again I want to express my thanks and gratitude for all of those friends and family members who have reached out to us through words, letters, cards, thoughts and prayers. We have felt it all and we know how blessed our lives are through you all. Thank you doesn't seem to be enough to express what we feel but it's all I know to say right now. :)
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